Learning to Be Together Alone: Why We Struggle With Aloneness

One of the hardest parts of growing up is learning how to be okay with being alone. For young people, that fear of aloneness often shows up in surprising ways—like anxiety about going to a party where no one might talk to them, or resistance to doing homework without help. Even surrounded by people, they can still feel the ache of being “apart.”

Psychotherapist Nick Luxmoore (2014) wrote about this in his piece Learning to Be Together Alone, reminding us that aloneness is something we all face, and it deeply affects the quality of our relationships.

How Early Experiences Shape Our View of Aloneness

From the time we are babies, we start figuring out what it means to be separate from our caregivers. If we’re never left alone, we may grow up fearing solitude. If we’re left alone too often, we may become overly self-reliant and afraid to depend on anyone. Many of us fall somewhere in between—longing for connection, but also craving independence.

As Luxmoore explains, young people often send parents mixed signals: “I want you close, but I also want you to back off.” It’s part of discovering how much separation they can tolerate. And truthfully, this isn’t just a teenage struggle—most adults feel it too.

Aloneness in Therapy (and in Life)

Counseling mirrors this balance. Just as parents learn when to step in and when to let go, therapists must judge when to support a client and when to allow space. Sometimes that space looks like silence in the therapy room—a silence that can feel unbearable if someone is terrified of being alone, or deeply healing if it allows them to feel “together” even without words.

The idea of being “together alone” is powerful. It means you can sit with another person, feel connected, and still practice the skill of being your own person. At the end of a session—or at the end of a day—you may be physically alone, but you carry with you the memory of connection.

What This Means for Us as Moms and Women

In our culture, independence is celebrated. We’re told we should be able to handle things on our own, without needing anyone. But the truth is that every single one of us feels alone at times. What matters isn’t avoiding that feeling—it’s learning that nothing bad will happen when we sit with it.

For moms especially, this can hit close to home. We often swing between wanting closeness (with our kids, our partners, our friends) and desperately needing space. The key isn’t to eliminate aloneness—it’s to practice being okay with both closeness and separation, sometimes even at the very same time.

Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. With the right balance of connection and space, we can learn to carry both—and teach our kids to do the same.